Today had to be one of the weirdest days I have experienced in a long time. I decided to be active in changing certain areas of my life just as I learned about in law of attraction memes, conversations, and also what I have been told in life, “If you want to get something you need to go after it.” And you know this entire day, I was reactionary, not in a bad way, but I desired to make a real change in my life and I was greeted with so many barriers. Barriers that seemed impossible to overcome, why? It’s simple, I felt hopeless, not because I am not grateful but because living life as a millennial is just a experience. A experience that is nothing like how my mother was raised, in her era I’ve heard stories of just how people have overcome and they have just made it through, with one income, a side hustle turned business, or even through the help of public assistance. Like these people have survived and they may not have had it all but many had enough to make it work. Making a dollar out of fifteen cents, was easy when you actually had two nickels to rub together. I just feel now that time are really different, finances are unstable, employment is scarce, and racism/discrimination is alive and kicking, while everyone pretends like its nonexistent. Resources are scare, red-tape is everywhere, glass ceilings aren’t being shattered, even though social/mainstream media makes you feel like Black people are making it…I’ve just never felt this way about the status of life until today because I am mad. I’m mad because my life as a millennial is viewed as a sense of entitlement and my attitude is really just “How is that I have followed all of the rules of life and shit doesn’t ever just fucking work?”
I mean damn, besides just getting my education, I volunteered with organizations, helped the generation before build their business (without being paid), received criticism because of my physical appearance, went to undergrad, graduated, got good grades, travelled internationally, made milestones within my family system as a first generation, cared for family members, been self-less, went to graduate School, hell I even went on to get my doctorate but experienced major barriers there. I just don’t know how to feel but angry because I feel a little cheated in my life right about now. It’s not a sense of entitlement but its a sense of “damn it I can’t even keep a job because I’m visibly Black and I am always reminded of this when I approach my first 90 days on a job.” Or you know, I seek out a doctorate degree at the Blackest university, most renown university and I am called everything but the “n” word by professors and supervisors. Or I begin working a job as a licensed therapist and my hours are cut from full-time to part-time because my supervisor doesn’t know how I am going to care for my child, go to school, and work a full-time job. I mean the list can go on and on but I just want to share that today ” I have a right to be mad.”
And no this feeling is ignored because this a real feeling that comes with much reflection. It’s a lot of shit that has been happening to me lately and I’m not going to sweep it under the rug anymore. Like I said, I’ve tried to follow the rules of life but as I live, I realize that there aren’t any rules because people do what the hell they want. And then project me wanting to live a good for myself and my child as a sense of entitlement or me wanting something too fast. NOOOOOOO! I just want to be able to go to a regular ass job and work so that I can provide for my son. Or hell start a business and it flourish so that I can care for my child because nothing in life is free. Hell, I want to work for someone without a trial period and be paid for the services I provide, I’m tired of people acting like my talents, gifts, and expertise are free. I desire for people to just be straight up and stop trying to use me as a fucking mill then call me entitled for asking to be compensated. I desire to live a life where I don’t have to read memes just receive some kind of assurance for my life. I’ve tried to escape, I’ve tried therapy (my therapist just told me a therapist to get over it). How do you hold on for so long, when everything seems dim, money isn’t coming in, everything you try doesn’t work. I don’t believe its just God trying to tell me something because how can such a benevolent God see me and my struggles and allow me to be tricked into believing that money does not equate success, that’s not true. I believe that broke people were told this lie just so that they could feel okay about their current situation. I just feel like the God that has provided for my ancestors have seen how successful we can really be when we have access to resources and they are scaling back on our current generation so that they can continue to commit genocide throughout our society.
Not just by killing us physically but by killing us financially, spiritually, relationally, emotionally, psychologically. The weapons of warfare are not in the hands of the ones who pray but they ones who prey and I am a firm believer of this. And this is why I am mad because as a millennial, I am listening to forerunners like Oprah and Tyler Perry share that they believe “young people want things too quickly” and I would think that after all of the riches they have acquired they would realize that the world that has been crafted for them is only by happenstance. Someone, somebody gave them a opportunity and guess what they made money off of the opportunities provided. I mean even if they experienced racism or discrimination, these stories will never be told in mainstream media because we are supposed to believe that all Black people can make it. Hell, you know remaining optimistic in this state of the USA (because it’s not the world) will only further enable my optimism but here is the thing, this cannot continue to happen.
My life of a millennial breeds a sense of madness that will continue fuel me wanting to create a universe where my son will at least not feel half of the sting of what I have experienced. I can only keep going but what I know to be true is that I cannot block my blessings by ignoring my “mad” feeling. I have valid reasons to be upset and honoring this feeling as a millennial will help me in honoring my ode to self-care and self-love. I feel liberated in expressing myself, I hope that you will take this freedom and liberate yourself too!
Peace and Love,
The Visionary of BlackSoleHeeling, LLC